Monday, July 18, 2005

Abortion's Great - but not if used in moderation

We all hate babies, that’s a fact. They’re stupid, they smell, and they provide nothing to the fabric of society. We’ve all had that time where a baby has ruined everything God has created in this world, but when was the last time a baby did your taxes for you, or wrote a Pulitzer prize winning novel. That’s right, NEVER.

The worst thing about babies is that their parents always bring them out in public. The worst place of all, an airplane. When you’re on a plane with a baby, there’s nothing you can do about it. You can’t kick it out into the ocean, or throw it in a dumpster, you just have to suppress your rage to kill it. Just the other day I was on a plane with a baby in the seat behind me. This one wasn’t doing the usual baby thing of just crying and yelling, this one took a massive crap. You might think, so what, it was wearing a diaper, but this baby exploded its diaper. It took such a colossal crap that it actually forced the poo out through a hole in its diaper and onto the seat behind me. It even managed to find a way to get the poo all the way to the top of its head.
But what can we do about it? I propose two very simple, and very appealing plans.

Mandatory abortion. This plan is by far my favorite of the two. All babies will be brutally slaughtered before being born. This quickly solves the problem, leaving the world baby-less and much happier because of it. However, there’s one small downside to this plan, the loss of the human-race. Now, that may not seem like such a big deal, but I’m sort of a fan of humans, but not if that means I have to endure babies crying and pooping everywhere they go. Thus, I present my second solution, a compromise.

Solitary confinement. Babies will be allowed to be born, but will immediately be put in confinement with other babies. Robots would be created to feed and change the babies, as well as administering the daily electrocution. Babies would be given this electric shock to develop a fear of showing their baby emotions later in life such as crying. Women may also be admitted into this program should the need arise.

There you have it. An easy solution to the biggest problem facing the world today: babies existing. If you’d like to support this part of the revolution, email me at and prepare for the baby killing.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow, that guy's great, i wish i could give him my soul. everyone should give that guy money, maybe we'll just leave a sack of money at his house. Thats a great idea, everyone should agree.

9:41 PM  

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