Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Classroom Pets, Friend or Fiend?

I am sure that if you think back far enough everyone can remember a loved classroom pet; maybe from elementary school or if your lucky maybe even later. Classroom pets become the focus of the class for kids and teachers alike; everyone wants to feed it, pet it, take it home, name it, play with it, it becomes a “students best friend.” I remember all the pets I have had in school. It began with a silkworm that was eventually ruined into a dumb butterfly, a rabbit, and even a few hamsters like you see on TV. Now those pets are great, they’re either friendly and fuzzy or they make silk, which is a great ability that I wish humans had, but that is for another time.

Now what really shakes my beans is when dumb teachers have a bright idea to get the class a great pet like, lets say a snake! “Oh boy we have a snake now we can watch it do…wait what, all it does is sit?!…Fine we can take it out and play with…. wait we can’t touch it will eat our internal organs?!…Well what does it do?” I’ll tell you what the damn slithery reptile does…NOTHING! What genius teacher thought that a class would love to sit and watch an animal sunbathe in its little heated case that always has to be above 45 degree because the damn thing is such a wimp it’ll die in a cold temperature; for god’s sake it cold-blooded that alone tells you it’s the wimpiest creature on this Earth! Now you might think, “It eats mice it’s awesome!” No not only are you horribly wrong but you should go die you’re so dumb. I don’t care how cool it is watching a cool mouse duke it out and try to escape the wrath of the all wussy snake and eventually get eaten, but we all know that the mouse eventually is turned into feces. Now, snake feces is the second grossest looking and smelling thing on the planet second only to babies. No awesome sight is worth sitting in class smelling snake poo for weeks.

Its not only snakes its also any reptile or amphibian. They serve absolutely no purpose in life so what purpose do they serve in a classroom teaching the children, the so-called “future,” how to suck at everything? The only exception to this absolute fact is a turtle or tortoise. They set the perfect example for kids all they do is sit still never moving and shut their mouths, which is exactly what kids should do. I am all for classroom pets they give children a reason to go to class and best of all a friend that can bully them and insult them like they truly deserve, but something must be done to stop this vast movement of teachers giving the classroom dumb and fiendish pets.

I say a new policy be put in place where reptiles and amphibians, except turtles, tortoises and prehistoric lizards such as dinosaurs, be banned from this Earth. We gather all of them up and cram them into space shuttles; set course for the sun; and let the shuttle launch and then let the sun take it from there. Then in my new age of no dumb classroom pets children will finally be able to live up to their full potentials no longer be held back by the vicious wussy restraints of dumb classroom pets. If you support this part of the revolution email me at ghost.of.christmas.never@gmail.com.


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