Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Dinosaurs - Society's Old Big Lizards

Dinosaurs are the greatest creatures on the face of the earth (except for men, of course. Not women, just men). I say ‘are’ rather than ‘were’ because dinosaurs still exist on our planet today. The propagandists of the most evil profession ever (paleontology) want you to believe the myth of their non-existence so that they can support their favorite politicians. The reasoning behind this is confusing and pointless unless you accept a world where “people throw ducks at balloons and nothing is the way it seems.”

Fatcats. You have often heard this phrase describing Washington politicians, but what does it mean? A little known fact about all politicians is that every politician owns a cat. And the success of that politician depends on the fatness of his/her(ya right) cat. As bizarre as this seems, it’s also completely untrue, but we must choose to accept this blasphemous lie because it ties in with the rest of the article.

Major politicians such as Presidents and cult leaders hold in their house, the secret to their success: cats beyond the fatitude that normal humans can even comprehend. These cats are so massive, their gravitational fields pull support from the people to the politicians. But what is the secret to gaining such girth of the belly? That’s what this article’s about.

The official food of Fatcats (the cats, not the people) is of course, dinosaurs. While dinosaurs are not extinct, their population is very limited. To keep the public from buying all the dinosaurs, leaving the politicians Fatcat-less, the politicians used their power of God to create evidence of dinosaurs’ extinction.

But as the Japanese came closer and closer to discovering the location where the dinosaurs were kept (in a cage in the inner core of the earth surrounded by 12,000 degree Celsius magma), various “natural” (and political) disasters were unleashed upon the short and unsuspecting Japanese. Can anyone say Hiroshima??? Nagasaki??? However, while small and weak physically, the Japanese were also stupid enough to continue their search for the dinosaurs. Eventually, the entire city of Japan had to be destroyed by the politicians most dangerous dinosaur/super being, Godzilla. Japan now exists only on maps and in computers used to brainwash visitors to Japan into thinking they actually visited the land.

Now, in the year of the revolution 2134, we must free the dinosaurs from their cage by building an impenetrable ship to travel to the earth’s core and release the dinosaurs into the Magma so that they can die the most painful death imaginable. Before their bodies are destroyed, we will scoop up the remains so that we may feast upon their innards just like our ancestors did in my imagination. But what to do with the inedible skins?

I suggest building an army of robotic dinosaur skin tanks (because that’s what we do now) to defend against the invasion of the dinosaur home planet of Rethifica (oh, dinosaurs are aliens too). The smaller dinosaur skins would be transformed into various vending machines based on how many scales that dinosaur lost in the battle of 2015 between the Tritacons and Piliphratopes of the dinosaur underworld (ya, dinosaurs have wars in their cage).

If you’d like to help release the dinosaurs from captivity to their freedom of the incredible pain of death, email me at, JERKS!


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