Monday, September 05, 2005

The FFFFUUUUUUUUTTTTTUUUUUURRRRREEEE

The Most Important Technological Advancements in the Next 36 YEARS:

1. Improved applesauce. In the future, applesauce will not be made of apples, but rather from a combination of Windex and carpet glue. This new form of applesauce will be called MEGA-SAUCE for it will cure all diseases except that really really bad one.... you know the one I'm talking about.

2. Blood-powered Flashlights. Flashlights will no longer run on battery power, they will be powered by leeches sucking out your blood into the cavities of a bionic flashlight. Rather than having to depend on C, AA, or even D batteries, you will simply stab yourself in the abdomen and attach the bionic leech which will suck your innards to create the most painful type of energy possible.
You will be able to power a flashlight for 26 minutes with this method; however, one cannot stop the leeches even after the flashlight has died. You will be forced to have all blood sucked out of your body until you reach a state of pure salmon. However, even with no blood, you will survive due to technological advancement #3.

3. Virtual Blood. After creating virtual urine, scientists will form virtual blood which will replace our puny human blood after we use it all on our flashlights (which must be used at all times no matter how bright it is). Each unit of blood will be one cubic centimeter, which will cause our skin to bubble like the lake of a thousand blankets. Also, you can only have one unit of blood at a time, because they're rationed like butter. And everyone dies if they get one.... because it's a dumb idea.

4. Rainbow Skeletons. All hippies will be segregated from the rest of the world, as a result, they will have their own colleges. These colleges will only have two subjects: Being a stupid fat hippy and biology. Certain people will want to donate their bodies to these colleges, but they will be put through a rigorous process of rainbowing their skeletons. The people will take butt pills for 3 years before their life that will cause cancer as well as various forms of lime disease. This will cause their skeletons to turn rainbow colors as well as gain the ability to make xylophone noises without eating cheese for 6 fortnights beforehand.

These four inventions will be the climax of technological inventions of the next 36 years. They will all be invented by one person in one hour of one day. It will be known as alpha hour of the cosmos... and it was good.

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