Tuesday, September 06, 2005

MAPS SUCK - I HATE MAGELLAN

I think it's about time we do away with paper maps. I walked into a classroom today and they were learning about maps and like longitude and lattitude crap. That is the largest waste of time since creator of time Theodore McClocksbury threw out 6 grandfather clocks that were in perfect working condition.

No one uses maps anymore, anyways. Except for maybe pilots, but they only use them cause they're stupid and can't just figure out where to go. Everyone knows what the world looks like and that's all you need to know. Mostly people only need to know USA USA USA USA USA USA USA.

I have a ton of ideas of what we could learn some kids up instead of having them learn about maps such as 'how to commit suicide without making a mess' as well as 'dog grooming for people stupider than dogs.'

The first one is very simple. We go through various suicide techniques that create a mess and teach kids not to commit suicide that way. At the end of the semmester, the kids show what they have learned by commiting suicide cleanly.

Grooming dogs is a bit more tricky. Most people don't even know that dog's are actually midgets in costumes that take them off at night and roam the fields of Gettysburg. To you and me, of course, this is obvious. What you might not know is that when you see a midget, it is actually a baby cow in costume. So grooming a dog is basically cleaning a midget's costume. You must be careful not touch it with your bare hands because the magic fairy dust left by the midgets causes instant eye juices to squeeze out of your belly button (even though they're EYE juices). Basically, if you get stuck in this class, just commit suicide. But do it cleanly, they might give you credit for a different class.

You have all seen my hatred of maps but I want you to see some background of why I hate them so much. The only person who ever used maps that anyone cared about was Magellan - FACT. That stupid commercial about Gellin' like Magellan has shown us that we cannot trust people with our once most sacred holy book - "Super Mega Map Unlimeted."

I have grown to hate this book as it has caused so many violent rampages from myself and all the crazy cats I know. After my third venture to the underground fortress of Frodo Baggins to destroy his various maps, I halted my conquest and returned to simply hating maps and spreading my message throughout the world.

One last thing, that whole thing about "East, South, West, North" is just bull crap. All directions are the same thing... "That way." If you EVER eat shreaded wheat i'll just kill you because my fist will form into a ball of solid mass I like to call doctor ape's blood because he punches your nose until ape's blood comes out.

If you like maps, lemme kill you, you deserve it.

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