Thursday, September 08, 2005

Why stabbing people is really awesome

Short post today because I hate you guys and hope that you are very sad all the time until eternity and such.

Why Stabbing People is Really Awesome:

People suck. Sometimes you see someone that you just hate because their "pudding to towel" ratio is close to like 4 to 5 and that is completely unnacceptable. You restrain yourself because you are a small girl who braids her own hair and is afraid of the "consequences." The following is a list of reasons to stab that person if they annoy you in the slightest.

1. It's fun. When you gut that person with your gutting knife you get all smile-y and have real awesome time for the next 2.4546453454453454455323 hours. This may not seem like a long time, but in your gutting-induced state, this seems close to 2.4546453454453454455329 hours!!! Also, it's the best thing in the world because you are allowed to chew as much gum as you want, the laws of physics relating to gum-chewability don't apply to you for this period of time.

2. Precious Eye Juices. We've all heard of special vitamins and crap you get from things like fish and eating solid gold with cheese, but you might not have known the medical benifits of drinking Eye Juices. These juices cause your feet to grow 6 sizes instantly, providing better balance and exploding shoes that turn into a thousand lemons already prepped for juicing.

3. Eating their knowledge. Everyone knows about how when you eat a book, you gain all knowledge in that book. You probably also heard the MYTH about eating someone's brain and gaining their knowledge. The truth is that while memories are stored in the brain, knowledge is stored in the deep innards, otherwise knows as instestines and bone marrow. It's pretty hard to eat these, but if you do, you can gain all of their knowledge as well as the knowledge of the last person they ate.

4. I like racecars. When I get really rich, I'm gunna buy a racecar body and put it right on top of a toyota corolla body so it looks like i'm driving a racecar.

5. Wigs. You can easily skin someone's head and turn it into a wig either for puppies who need extra fur, or for yourself. But you have to put it on right away with the blood and juices still on it or the hair will fall off. Also, you won't be able to ever get it off and it will look really crappy.

6. Your knife is probably sad. Objects, mostly sharp and pointy ones, have feelings. When you don't use that object, their soul escapes and goes on a vission quest until they see their buffalo ancestor holding the stick of regret. They must follow his commands in simple (X , O , triangle, square) format. If you stab people enough, your knife will never be forced to go on this quests and it will kill witht twice or possibly even thrice the power of 6 normal knives. When using a knife that hasn't been used in a while, it only has twice the power of 1/2 of a normal knife.

7. Lastly, one of my many goons says, "right when u gut someone if u let all their guts fall on ur head forming some sort of freaky hat that slowly engulf ur whole body and form a gut caccoon when u emerge u will be the thing from the fantastic four except at least 4 times better and with much stronger guts and gutting capabilities."

I'm gunna stab you GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS V GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS GUTS VGUTS GUT

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

MAPS SUCK - I HATE MAGELLAN

I think it's about time we do away with paper maps. I walked into a classroom today and they were learning about maps and like longitude and lattitude crap. That is the largest waste of time since creator of time Theodore McClocksbury threw out 6 grandfather clocks that were in perfect working condition.

No one uses maps anymore, anyways. Except for maybe pilots, but they only use them cause they're stupid and can't just figure out where to go. Everyone knows what the world looks like and that's all you need to know. Mostly people only need to know USA USA USA USA USA USA USA.

I have a ton of ideas of what we could learn some kids up instead of having them learn about maps such as 'how to commit suicide without making a mess' as well as 'dog grooming for people stupider than dogs.'

The first one is very simple. We go through various suicide techniques that create a mess and teach kids not to commit suicide that way. At the end of the semmester, the kids show what they have learned by commiting suicide cleanly.

Grooming dogs is a bit more tricky. Most people don't even know that dog's are actually midgets in costumes that take them off at night and roam the fields of Gettysburg. To you and me, of course, this is obvious. What you might not know is that when you see a midget, it is actually a baby cow in costume. So grooming a dog is basically cleaning a midget's costume. You must be careful not touch it with your bare hands because the magic fairy dust left by the midgets causes instant eye juices to squeeze out of your belly button (even though they're EYE juices). Basically, if you get stuck in this class, just commit suicide. But do it cleanly, they might give you credit for a different class.

You have all seen my hatred of maps but I want you to see some background of why I hate them so much. The only person who ever used maps that anyone cared about was Magellan - FACT. That stupid commercial about Gellin' like Magellan has shown us that we cannot trust people with our once most sacred holy book - "Super Mega Map Unlimeted."

I have grown to hate this book as it has caused so many violent rampages from myself and all the crazy cats I know. After my third venture to the underground fortress of Frodo Baggins to destroy his various maps, I halted my conquest and returned to simply hating maps and spreading my message throughout the world.

One last thing, that whole thing about "East, South, West, North" is just bull crap. All directions are the same thing... "That way." If you EVER eat shreaded wheat i'll just kill you because my fist will form into a ball of solid mass I like to call doctor ape's blood because he punches your nose until ape's blood comes out.

If you like maps, lemme kill you, you deserve it.

Monday, September 05, 2005

The FFFFUUUUUUUUTTTTTUUUUUURRRRREEEE

The Most Important Technological Advancements in the Next 36 YEARS:

1. Improved applesauce. In the future, applesauce will not be made of apples, but rather from a combination of Windex and carpet glue. This new form of applesauce will be called MEGA-SAUCE for it will cure all diseases except that really really bad one.... you know the one I'm talking about.

2. Blood-powered Flashlights. Flashlights will no longer run on battery power, they will be powered by leeches sucking out your blood into the cavities of a bionic flashlight. Rather than having to depend on C, AA, or even D batteries, you will simply stab yourself in the abdomen and attach the bionic leech which will suck your innards to create the most painful type of energy possible.
You will be able to power a flashlight for 26 minutes with this method; however, one cannot stop the leeches even after the flashlight has died. You will be forced to have all blood sucked out of your body until you reach a state of pure salmon. However, even with no blood, you will survive due to technological advancement #3.

3. Virtual Blood. After creating virtual urine, scientists will form virtual blood which will replace our puny human blood after we use it all on our flashlights (which must be used at all times no matter how bright it is). Each unit of blood will be one cubic centimeter, which will cause our skin to bubble like the lake of a thousand blankets. Also, you can only have one unit of blood at a time, because they're rationed like butter. And everyone dies if they get one.... because it's a dumb idea.

4. Rainbow Skeletons. All hippies will be segregated from the rest of the world, as a result, they will have their own colleges. These colleges will only have two subjects: Being a stupid fat hippy and biology. Certain people will want to donate their bodies to these colleges, but they will be put through a rigorous process of rainbowing their skeletons. The people will take butt pills for 3 years before their life that will cause cancer as well as various forms of lime disease. This will cause their skeletons to turn rainbow colors as well as gain the ability to make xylophone noises without eating cheese for 6 fortnights beforehand.

These four inventions will be the climax of technological inventions of the next 36 years. They will all be invented by one person in one hour of one day. It will be known as alpha hour of the cosmos... and it was good.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Pictures of Lots of Apples in Your Mouth

Hello fellow sirs, and girl sirs. Right now I'm too lazy to write anything so I've decided to issue a challenge to anyone that reads this (maybe 2 people). I want you to send a picture of yourself with as many apples as you can fit in your mouth. If someone can even fit one, i'll give them a massive amount of dollars. Down here is a drawing of what I assume I'd look like if I were to put a large amount of apples in my face. I'm gunna start updating this thing a little bit more often if I feel like it, but maybe not, so shut ur face up with a canister of mustard.


Send your pictures to revolution.today@gmail.com if you dare..... please dare